Christmas in the City

I'm not a Christmas “hater.” Christmas is a great time of year. Jingles and carols run 22Ks through my head, Christmas lights put me at ease (well, not the rapidly blinking ones. Photovoltaic seizure, anyone?), and I think that the Macy's elves are actually cute in those little green turtlenecks. But there are some things about Christmas in the City that drive me up a wall. A formal list of grievances follows.

1) All those people. Tourists, actually. Again, nothing against tourists. Nice people, very respectful (except when they're drunk ...). It's just that they don't understand that sidewalks are designed for walking, not for standing around staring up at skyscrapers. Of course, tourists do that normally, all year ‘round, in fact. It’s just that there are thousands and millions and kajillions more of them now, crowding out those of us who actually have somewhere to go. If you ever tour New York, please, please, please don't fill the sidewalk. Stand to one side or the other. Thank you.

2) Macy's. Now, this may just be because I walk by it at least four times a day. Still, Macy's, you're getting on my nerves! A gigantic Christmas tree of lights that illuminates a three-block radius around the store, including both of King's apartments is a great idea! Not. In conjunction with #1, people are now posing on the street, getting their picture taken "in front of Macy's." But they're obstructing the sidewalks! People!

3) Smoking on the street. You may be aware that it is illegal to smoke inside of a building in New York. Subway station, hotel, elevator, basement, bomb shelter/cellar – all alike, no smoking. This, of course, means that people smoke on the street instead. Normally, this isn't such a big deal, because you can see them blowing smoke. If you're walking toward them, you hold your breath and powerwalk past. With Christmas weather, however, everyone is blowing steam, and it looks exactly the same. You’re lulled into complacency, and you stop watching for the telltale signs. Every now and then, you'll get an unexpected lungful of regurgitated Marlboro Light. Just the thing to brighten your day!

4) Elves. Don’t laugh. Do you honestly think that anyone who is “Santa’s Little Helper” for forty hours a week is going to be a happy person?

5) Wind. Weather in general, but especially the wind. Did you know that if you take a road running north to south, line it with tall buildings, and put it really near the Atlantic coast, it’s bound to turn into a wind tunnel? This is not an exaggeration. I step onto the balcony outside of my apartment to test the weather—no wind. Five minutes later, I step onto Sixth Avenue and a straight-line wind is shoving me down the street. Those evil little needles of cold stab through my coat, crystallize my still-damp hair, and turn my ears unflattering shades of pale pink. Now, you may say that winter weather has nothing to do with Christmas. You would be wrong. First of all, it’s December. Everyone knows that it gets windy in December. There’s also something more at work: God must be speaking to us. Obviously, He’s telling everyone to get out of Midtown for the holiday season. Someplace where they can breathe clean air, and where the snow doesn’t become slush when it hits the sidewalk. Like Canada. No sidewalks (or Macy’s) there. God says: GO TO CANADA FOR CHRISTMAS. You heard it here first.

Christmas has its obvious advantages. Food, gifts, materialism, increased GDP, credit card debt, and, oh yeah, Christ’s birth. Anyway, the disadvantages of Christmas in the City are pretty obvious. Actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems like all these irritations are supposed to be telling me something. You know, like "go home." (Just in case I was tempted otherwise) Perhaps God is taking money from my mother. I wouldn’t be surprised.

I got the message, God. Now please get those tourists out of my way!
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Other than that, life continues as usual. Everything is building to a fever pitch of sorts as we prepare for finals, etc. I'm going to be busy writing papers this weekend, but that is tempered by the news that my laptop is in the mail back to me, hopefully fixed and well again. I should get it tomorrow, and productivity will skyrocket. Not that it hasn't been high recently ...

Today, I bought two ties on the street. It was a pretty good deal ...

My papers are calling me. Back into the grind ... wishing you a stress-free holiday season.